Skibum’s Photo Blog

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Seems like just yesterday,
You were a part of me,
I used to stand so tall,
I used to be so strong,
Your arms around me tight,
Everything it felt so right,
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong,
Now I can’t breathe,
No I can’t sleep,
I’m barely hanging on,

Here I am,
Once again,
I’m torn into pieces,
Can’t deny it,
Can’t pretend,
Just thought you were the one,
Broken up deep inside,
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry,
Behind these hazel eyes,

I told you everything,
Opened up and let you in,
You made me feel alright,
For once in my life,
Now all that’s left of me,
Is what I pretend to be,
So together but so broken up inside,
‘Cause I can’t breathe,
No I can’t sleep,
I’m barely hanging on,

Here I am,
Once again,
I’m torn into pieces,
Can’t deny it,
Can’t pretend,
Just thought you were the one,
Broken up deep inside,
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry,
Behind these hazel eyes,

Swallow me then spit me out,
For hating you, I blame myself,
Seeing you it kills me now,
No I don’t cry On the outside,
anymore….anymore,

Here I am,
Once again,
I’m torn into pieces,
Can’t deny it,
Can’t pretend,
Just thought you were the one,
Broken up deep inside,
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry,
Behind these hazel eyes,

Here I am,
Once again,
I’m torn into pieces,
Can’t deny it,
Can’t pretend,
Just thought you were the one,
Broken up deep inside,
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry,
Behind these hazel eyes

I swear! boys are driving me up the fucking wall! So, on thanksgiving I went out with a couple of guys who are over 21 here (most people are underage) and we went out to a couple of bars - had free thanksgiving dinner and basically drank from about 2pm-midnight. Well at the last bar we were at, I started hitting on this guy, Dustin, who lives a couple of floors down from me. He told me that he wasn’t a good guy and that he wasn’t boyfriend material, I told him that I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, I just had gotten out of my last relationship, I was just looking for someone to fool around with. and so he came back to my room with me that night and we hooked up and it was good. we both said that we weren’t looking for relationships so I wasn’t really worried about it at all, I just figured I’d have a hookup buddy when i was drunk. cool.

Skip forward 2 days to Saturday night. A handful of us (including dustin) go out to a club here and I’m trying to get him to come out and dance (he’s a terrrible dancer). He tells me again that he’s not a good guy for me and that there are a hundred other guys on the dance floor that are better for me than him. Basically I roll my eyes cause we went through all this before and go out and have a good time and basically ignore him.

When we get back from the club Dustin and Garrett (one of the other guys here) are hanging out in the hallway near my room and Dustin and I end up talking for quite a while. He’s really really drunk and he seems to get very violently angry when he’s drunk so I stood outside with him while he smoked and ranted, more or less to make sure that he didn’t hurt himself or someone else.

We eventually went down to his room and we were going to watch star wars at like 3:30am and so we were laying in his bed doing that, and we were just laying there touching eachothers hands, arms etc but nothing else because his roommate was there and that’d just be awkward. So I ended up getting up and leaving and going back up to my room because my roommate had just gotten here earlier that night and I didn’t want her to think badly of me. I decided though the next day I needed to talk to dustin when he was sober cause it was getting a little annoying when he was drunk trying to talk to him.

So yesterday afternoon i went and found him and just asked him basically WTF and did he still want to keep hooking up drunk or what the hell was going on. He just kinda shook his head and I was like ok, cool. at least now I know cause he was being a huge pain in the ass trying to figure him out. sigh boys are stupid.

Talked to Mel a bit about it and she thinks that it could be moving to fast for him - like we just got here and all that. She said to give it a few weeks once everyone gets settled in and then see where things go. At this point i’m kinda not sad really, but more annoyed with him. Like, we had talked about this on thanksgiving and we both made mention of doing more of the same in the future but now he’s being stupid about all of this. I bet though next time we get drunk together we’ll end up hooking up. I don’t know, or really care at this point. I’m just kinda going with the flow.

So…I’m here. I got in about 10am yesterday morning. No roommate yet, she’s not supposed to be coming until Saturday. I’ve met some of the people that live down the hall from me - they seem cool for the most part, but it’s wierd because they’re mostly 18-20yrs old and I’m 23. I wouldn’t think that age difference would be that much, but it really is a lot maturity wise. These guys act like well, 18-20year olds. It’s kinda annoying a bit. I don’t really fit in so well with them, I kinda feel on the outside, but whatever - I usually feel like that with groups of people.

They’re outside smoking pot tonight, and I’d like to join them, but I’m paranoid about getting drug tested and losing my job. Supposedly though ski workers are a bunch of pot heads. Maybe tomorrow i’ll join them. For now I’ll stick with alcohol.

I’m somewhat lonely here, I don’t feel like anyone really knows me all that well (obviously I just got here, so how could they) but I’d really like get a real hug from someone. I’m missing my friends back home a lot right now, and my family especially. We did thanksgiving a week early for me, but it’s not the same and people are talking about it and I really want to be with my family. Tomorrow I think a bunch of us are going to be going out to this bar who is having a “ski orphans” thanksgiving dinner for all of us in town with no families.

Just got back from the dentist. This time I saw the nice one who did one of my other fillings. She’s nice. I had them give me Nitrous before the novacaine since i’m a big baby and I was all good. I was stoned like hell when she gave me the shot, i didn’t even notice what was going on. I like that stuff, it’s like insta drunk without the hangover.

I downloaded All-American Rejects yesterday and put them on my iPod to listen to while they did it, and it was good. I like this CD (Move Along) props to Chase for recommending them.

Ok, so I went to eat lunch with my dad in Ann Arbor today and we talked more about which car I’m going to get, and so now I changed my mind (again) and am going with the Sable. I also talked it over with the mechanic at the shop i go to (King’s Garage) and he said that the blazer has a lot of issues with maintence, there’s a lot more stuff to break or go wrong with them. He recommended that I stick with te Sable - it’s more reliable in his opinion, plus I’m not really going to be using the Blazer to tow stuff or really in any sort of “truck” capacity, so for the fuel economy, it’s better to go with the Sable. Ok, Cool.

My dad and I leave Applebee’s and I’m going to head out to meet up with Tanya over at Lakeside mall (about an hour away from ann arbor). I start my car and it’s running really rough so I flag down my dad before he leaves and he drives it around a bit and says that he thinks there’s moisture in the gas tank and I should go over to the gas station and get a bottle of dry gas to clear that up. Ok did that no problem, car starts fine, is running ok. I’m driving along on my happy merry way to go meet up with Tanya and I’m just getting off of the highway when my car stalls!!! Oh shit. I’m at the end of the exit ramp where it merges with the street, so people can get around me but I’m stuck. My car won’t restart, I can’t get it to turn over. Fuck!! I call my dad, he says to call the police dept there so they can help flag traffic around me and/or help me move my car to a parking lot. He’s on his way from Ann Arbor. Ok cool. Police are coming to help, call Tanya tell her I’m not making it to the mall.

Mr. Policeman shows up and I explain what happened and so he radios for another cop in a car (he was in an SUV) to come over and give me a push into a nearby parking lot to wait for my dad. The other cop shows up pushes my car with his over to a discount tire parking lot right across the street. The SUV policeman followed behind with his lights flashing to clear traffic for me. They were very helpful and nice. Kudos to the Center Line Police Dept. I asked mr. SUV policeman if he knew any reputable garages nearby, but he said no, so I had King’s Garage’s card in my wallet from when I was there on Friday last week. I call them and ask them to come and tow me back to Farmington and so they can look at it. King’s guy said that they don’t tow, but gave me a number for a company they use. So I called the towing company he said they would be by in about 45 mins. He said it was $45 for a hookup and $4/mile. HOLY SHIT. I’m about 25 miles away from the garage I want them to take it to. Oh well, it’s not starting - looks like i’m going to have to suck it up. So I played the waiting game for my dad to come and when he got there (before the tow truck) he had me try to start it and it caught! W00T! It was still running extraordinarily rough - my dad said it felt like it was missing a cylinder when it was firing. Ok. but it’s running so I call the tow guy and cancel (he sounded kinda pissed off that i did that but whatever). My dad drives my car and I’m following him in his over to King’s. We got to king’s successfully, and came home.

Ok next step in the saga of my life - I’m supposed to be taking the Sable over to King’s tomorrow morning to have them look at it and give me the OK to go and buy it. Now the problem is - A. How to get to the Ford dealer, B. How to get from King’s back to the Ford dealer. So King’s has a nice service where if you work or live in the area they will drive you back to your home/work. The ford dealership is a bit far away from them so I’m not going to have them drive me that far. So after a couple of drinks we decided that my mom is getting a ride to work tomorrow from her friend. My dad is going to drop me off at the dealer. I’m going to drive the sable from the dealer to Kings, have King’s drive me back home where I have mom’s car to go to the dentist later, I’ll pick her up from school at 4pm and we’ll go back over to kings, pick up the sable and drop it off at the ford place, then turn around and go back to ann arbor for dinner at 5:30 with the gang. Holy Crap. that’s a fuckload of driving.

Could my life get anymore flipped upside down?
-Breakup with the BF
-Quit my job
-Get a new car
-Move halfway across the country
-Start a new job that I’ve never done before
-Live with someone who I don’t know

It’s like I’m having a midlife crisis when I’m 23.

The Boyfriend thing is self-explanetory - just read the rest of this blog. It all really hit me yesterday and today that it’s really over. I tried to get him to talk to me but I think I just succeeded in pissing him off. My dad says to give it to Feb. If I’m still head over heels for John, I should call him.

Quit my current job with it’s steady paycheck, benifits and retirement to move to Utah to be a ski instructor for $8/hr. No benefits, I’m living in a dorm again with someone who I’ve never met- in fact, I don’t even know what her name is or where she is from. I know nothing about this girl. I feel like someone should be taping me for Real World

I’m going to be a ski instructor - I’ve never done that before - I don’t even really like kids all that much! WTF am I thinking???

Looks like I’m getting a 2000 Chevy Blazer. 76K for $8,500. The other option is a 2000 Mercury Sable. 61K, $6,500. My parents are putting in $4,000 for the car + whatever my old car sells for (they estimate $1,000, I’m not so optimistic). So I’m going to be putting in at the most $4500 for the Blazer if it’s in decent shape. I’m having it checked over by a mechanic on Wed.

he won’t talk to me. says he’s at a bad point in the emotional rollar coaster and doesn’t want to lash out at me. Said he’ll try and get in touch with me after his semester is over and he’s had time to think.

I’m in tears.

EDIT: PM’d a few times with him. He’s adament about not talking to me at all. I’m so miserable - every little thing sets me crying again

I miss John. I do. I really really miss him. I was going through boxes yesterday to figure out what to take to UT and what to leave here and I came across a stuffed penguin he got me when we went to Boston last year (2 years ago?) and went to the Boston Aquarium. I saw that and just burst into tears. So much for my whole, I’m being strong and getting through this rhetoric. I miss everything about him, especially all his little annoying habits that drove me nuts. I really miss just laying in bed with him cuddling. We said that our hearts beat together as one, and it always seemed like they were in sync with eachother. Now my heart is finally breaking without him. I want to talk to him about everything. It’s been about 3 weeks and I can’t take it anymore. We have always been able to work things out. Why not now? Why not this? I know 3 weeks ago we were both throwing our hands up in the air in frustration, but now I want to work with him to be a team again.

I talk about going to Australia or to Italy but really these exeperiances are nothing if I don’t have someone to share them with. That’s why Europe was so fun this year - John was there to experiance it all with me. I want to go and do all that stuff like NOW but really I have to learn to be patient, I do have another 80 years infront of me why do I need to do it all when I’m 23?

I really just miss him. I sent him a PM on JC and told him that I would like to talk to him and for him to give me a call if he’s willing. I hope he does. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t call. I’m such a wreck right now.

Man, it’s a good thing I quit my job 2 weeks before I’m actually moving. It’s been nice to sit around a bit, but really - it’s been kinda hectic. Like today, I went and checked out laptops since I don’t want to take my computer to Utah. Then I went and checked out skis since I don’t want my nice skis getting all ripped up teaching kids. Then I went and checked out new (used) cars since mine is costing me so much $. Then I came home talked with the folks for a little bit, then went out to eat with them watched a movie (as I sorted through my kitchen stuff) and now here I sit.

Tomorrow I’m going to the UM football game at noon (leaving here at 9:45), then coming home, and then heading back to ann arbor tomorrow evening for fun with the friends.

Tuesday I’ve got a dr. appt to check my iron level, which I think i’m going to cancel cause I haven’t been taking the pills like I’m supposed to be (it makes it really hard to poop!) so I’m sure my hemoglobin isn’t anywhere where she would expect it to be. Then in the afternoon I’m going to go hang out with Tanya from PF and her baby Emily. Wed I’m getting a cavity filled and then going out to a good-bye dinner with my dad and a couple of friends/cousins in Ann Arbor. Thursday I’m hanging out with a friend from work and her baby Joey and then having an early Thanksgiving with friends and family. Friday is my friend Brian’s bday and everyone is in town and then Saturday I’m leaving.

Holy Crap.

I’ve still got to go through my clothes, get a map or 2. Buy the laptop, get the used car checked over by the mechanic and buy it, get insurance settled on it. Find a pair of skis, plus all the other crap that comes with moving. Holy hell. I need a vacation! Good thing I’ve got a couple of weeks once I get there to settle in and chill - maybe get some early season skiing in? hm…we’ll see

And while I’m at it…

A couple of select friends are pissing me off! This is my last full weekend in town. I talked to Brian earlier about going out to the Jug tonight, but didn’t know if anyone else was around. Brian said he didn’t know either, looked like it was slim pickins and we called it a night. I called up my friend Kal to leave a voicemail telling her I was going to ride in with my parents tomorrow for the game and for her not to worry about finding me a ticket. What do I get, a very drunk Kal on the phone. She’s at the Jug. Her thing she had to do tonight until midnight was cancelled and she went out with a bunch of people and didn’t bother to call me. She knew I wanted to go out tonight - I told her like 2 days ago that I wanted to see people. Fuck! She does this all the freakin’ time! I hate when I get left out and forgotten like this. It pisses me off. It takes so much effort to try and see people when I’m living in Farmington that when shit comes up and starts going on, I like to be called. Like, she knew prolly around 8 (or earlier) that she wasn’t going to have to do this thing tonight. She coulda called me even if they weren’t going out until 10. If I was living in AA I could have gone over to the Jug after I talked to her at 11, but now it’s not even worth it because by time I get there it’s going to be at least 11:45-12am and then I’ll hang out with people for an hour or two before everyone goes to bed and well, pissmonkey.

I normally don’t get this worked up about shit, but it’s like goddamit. This is it the last time I’m going to see most of these people for a while and I can’t even get my best friend to call me to hang out with everyone.

And before someone asks - I didn’t call her because I expected her to be working this thing tonight until midnight … I don’t know the other girl’s phone number to have called her instead.

AHGHG

Yesterday was good and bad.  Good in that I didn’t really think about John or look at his blog or any of that stuff.  I also sorted through the kitchen stuff I have and figured out what I want to take to UT.  Today I’m supposed to go through my clothes…we’ll see hwo that goes.  

I also took my car over to the shop yesterday to get the transmission fluid changed and then had them do a once over on the whole thing to make sure it’d get to Utah. Came back and said that the valve gasket covers are cracked and leaking oil and the Serpentine belt tightener is off kilter and basically with parts and labor it’s going to cost around $500 to fix all of it. YIKES!!! My car is a 94 dodge spirit with 150K miles on it.  I’m thinking that this is time to let it go and die a nice peaceful death.  However, now I need to find a car! My dad knows a guy at a used Ford dealership so I might head over there sometime this weekend and try and find a car.  This sucks that I have to deal with all this right before I go. 

Last night I went out to Ann Arbor and hung out with jason and a couple of friends for dinner and chatted with them until about midnight and then came home.  It was a nice evening, very chill, mindless and entertaining.  The great topic of the night was which type of pasta is sharpest.  Yeah - those are my friends I’m kinda sad to be leaving them but I know it’s for the best.  I also hate how they are farther away from me now, as opposed to when I lived right in AA as well.  It is a lot more work to go and hang out with them now than it was a year ago. So as a result I don’t see them as much. sigh