Skibum’s Photo Blog

ok, guilty. I checked John’s away message a couple of times today and read his blog and now I’m sitting here obsessing (again). Just wehn I started thinking I was doing really well with all of this, I have a day like today. And nothing really even happend today! It’s my first day not working and all I did was lay around today. It was great! However, laying around means that I’ve go time to think which means I started thinking about John.

I also read PF today for a bit, caught up on a lot since i was gone this weekend, and this one post really caught me and really resonated:
Find someone that is supportive… Yes. But at the same time don’t forget that marriage is about supporting EACH OTHER’S dreams, not JUST yours. I know alot of pilot families that revolve their entire existance around the husband’s career and never taking into account the needs or happiness of the other person. Marriage cannot be a oneway street (or runway) where the only goal for happiness is the pilots career. If she has a job that she loves, you need to support that too. And sometimes that may mean sacrifices on your part as well. The same way that she’ll be sacrificing things along the way to support your dreams.
Being a pilot is cool, sure. And being a supportive wife is important. But losing yourself in your husbands career is not healthy and not the situation that you ultimately want to be in. Because it can eventually lead to resentment.

I hear from a lot of pilot wives that have moved from base to base to base away from family, friends, etc. and then the wife is upset, lonely, depressed. We have an arrangement where we WILL NOT move to his base. I don’t want to leave my family right now and he would prefer that i’m here also. That means he has to commute and that can be a pain sometimes. But I make ALOT of sacrifices for his career too so it works out. If we are faced with the NECESSITY to move then we will discuss it.

I would never ask Eric to not be a pilot. Not ever. It IS possible to still be a pilot and make compromises. If you work hard enough at it.

It’s a great job if that’s what you love to do. BUT IT’S ONLY A JOB. Don’t lose sight of what’s really important in life.

Man. Does that hit home. I sacrificed so much in our relationship for him and his career. It’s really been bugging me the past couple of months that I was* always the one to sacrifice in the relationship. I sat by while he did GLP. I waited for him while he was in TX finishing his ratings. I sacrificed my security in our relationship because i knew that he needed to be single for a while before he could be committed to me. He never asked for that, but I knew he wanted it, so I suggested it. That kills me that I basically was the one who stuck the fork in our relationship with that suggestion. Shit was going ok before, but things weren’t great, and i thought that it was what he wanted/needed before we could settle down and get married. If I hadn’t suggested that then things never would have happened with Caitlyn (or Chase) and we’d still be together moving along and working things through. I put all my faith and trust in us as a couple and we fell flat on our collective ass. It hurts me, it really does. I keep trying to remember that it wasn’t one specific thing that broke us up, it was a series of thigns that combined together to put us in the situation we are now. Just like in aviation it’s not one factor that causes an accident, it’s a series of factors, so was the fall and crumbling of our relationship.

If we were ever to get back together it would be like starting over again. My dad said last night that he wasn’t surprised that John and I broke up. He said that John was a decent guy who treated me right but he and I weren’t “it” for eachother. That really surprised me because I always thought john and I were perfect together. Perhaps I’m a bit more needy than I thought I was. I do enjoy being hugged a lot and with someone on a daily basis. I think I could do the Pilot Wife thing if I had to, but given my druthers, I think I’d rather go for the 8-5 guy. I’m young and I need someone who can go with me nowto do what I’d like to do. If John and I had stayed together, I’d be giving up so much of my life for him. I don’t know if I can do that just yet, I mean, I’m only 23. I just celebrated my Gramps’s 80th birthday. My great grandma is turning 99 in January. I’m only 1/4-1/5 of the way done here. I’ve got a lot of life to live, so I want to do all the cool fun stuff while I’m still young and able. However, i really would liek someone to do it all with. Or at least to share it with. I had a great time in Europe with John and I’d love to do it again with another love.

One thing I definatly want in a future boyfriend is someone who can dress nicely. They don’t have to dress up all the time, but someone who knows when it is appopriate to look nice, and can pull it off well. A lot of guys I know are like this, and I know a few who could care less about what they looked like. Hell, they’re lucky if they don’t leave the house naked in the morning! I want a guy who can look good and be comfortable doing it. My next boyfriend is going to care about his looks - but not to the point of vainty (is there such a guy? I think so). The other thing that is important to me in a guy that I didn’t have in John is the thoughtfulness. I like flowers. I do. Would it kill him to bring me home some just because he thought I’d like them? no, it wouldn’t. I’ve said a million times that I don’t care if the flowers are store bought or even flowers at all. It really is the thought behind them. If he brought me home a handful of dandilions I would be just as happy as if he went to the florist. It shows me that he saw them, thought of me and picked them and really, that’s what I’m after. The thought is what makes them special, not the flowers themselves. And on that note, it’s not just flowers - random e-mails saying “hi I thought of you” or something like that - a text message - something - anything - that he did just because he thought of me or thought that I might like it. I know this guy exists…I just have to find him!

*it’s very strange for me to write in the past tense about the relationship so you’ll have to forgive me if I screw it up once in a while.

so I was out in NH this weekend visiting the grandparents - my gramps’s 80th birthday is in Jan. so of course we celebrated it in November (?!?) but it was a lot of fun. Got to see a bunch of the family that I don’t usually see since they all live out on the east coast. I think they think we’re those wierd kids in michigan! Some of them are definatly strange though. It’s all step-family out there except my grandparents - gets very confusing though so I just call them all by name rather than step-aunt so and so. Well, there were some younger kids this time around who were rather entertaining. Sasha is 8 now and Sarina is 3. Seeing those two was definatly a good time. I’m kinda worried though - after seeing how Sarina acts, I’m really wondering how I’m supposed to teach a 3 year old anything, let alone skiing!

In other news, I started thinking a lot about John and why I was/am so hurt.

I think it’s because I feel lied to. Before we went on our break a month ago I asked him straight out on the phone if he was attracted to Caitlyn. He said no - that she’s a lot like a sister to him. He was attracted to her initially, but not anymore, she’s just a good friend. Ok, I can go with that - I mean, Jason and I are like bro/sis and there’s no sexual tension or attraction between us. That’s like “ew” cause he’s like my brother! Anyway, after we went on our break, he went and hooked up with Caitlyn who he had a week prior said was like a sister to him. Now, he was either lying either to me or to both of us by saying that. If he truely felt she was like a sister than he wouldn’t have hooked up with her. end of story. I can not imagine hooking up with Jason - like i said before, it’s too gross - just ew. So, I think that’s what hurt me the most. I feel like he lied to me.

I had said before and I stand by it now - if he had gone and hooked up with some random bar chick I would not have been nearly as pissed off. I also don’t think I would have been as pissed off if he had told me that he was attracted to her! At least then I wouldn’t have been lied to! I was nothing if not completely 100% honest with him throughout the 3 years of our relationship. Even when Chase and I kissed right at the end I told him immediatly. It really hurts that he didn’t give me that same courtesy.

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So today was my last day at work. It was a day from hell which really sucked cause I wanted to coast out and say good bye to people and whatnot, but it was not to be! Started at 5am when I was rudely awoken by my pager going off saying that there was a kid coming in for transplant. Well, I’ve never consented a kid before for the study and the main coordinator was leaving at 6:50 this morning for PHX for a meeting for a different study.  I called her to find out what I had to do and she told me and it didn’t sound too complicated but I was still kinda wigging out at the thought of talking to a pediatric patient.  She said to go and page our manager and see what he had to say, if he wanted me to approach the family or not.  Took him almost an hour to call me back and said, “yes, approach them” so at normal time, my dad and I left for work.  The family was getting to the hospital between 5 – 6am and I didn’t leave my house till 6:30.  So as we’re pulling up to the hospital, my pager goes off – there’s another kid coming in for transplant.  ACK! There were 4 kids on the cadeveric transplant list who were eligible to be in this study and 2 of them happened to get called in on my last day when the main coordinator wasn’t here.  What are the odds!?! So I started freaking out about having to talk to 2 kids and their families.  Luckily for me the one family didn’t speak much English so I didn’t consent them to the study since who knew if they would really be getting an informed consent.  The other child is in foster care which makes her whole guardianship issue a little trickier so I was told I didn’t have to approach them. Thankfreakingod!

After that a bunch more stuff went wrong and it was just a zoo of a day.  I’m really glad to be done!! Someone else can take care of all that crap on Monday, I’m out of here! I’m looking forward to moving to UT.  I got my address today for that.  I don’t know who my roommate is yet or what room number, but I’ve got a place to stay!

One of the guys from JC pm’d me this evening and told me that John had messaged him and said that he wasn’t coming out and we had split up. Chuck still said he hoped that I’d give him a call and he could live vicariously through my skibum year. That’s nice, I’m glad to know I’ve got someone out in the area to call on if necessary. I have to wonder though, who all John has told about our breakup, and what he is telling them? I don’t want to end up getting painted as the bad guy here since it was a both of us thing, but I’ve got a feeling that he is saying that. I’m sure he’s not telling them about Caitlyn and is only ragging on the stuff that I did. I was really trying to keep this off of JC because I didn’t want to get gossip spread about me, but I still wonder if people are talking about me/us.

Chase is right, the real key to getting beyond this whole mess is to stop going on the computer all the time. That way I don’t have the temptation of reading John’s blog or away message on AIM. The next couple of weeks before I leave are going to be a challenge for me mentally. I’ve got to repack a bunch of stuff from my apartment and sort through pictures and weed out the ones of John and I so that way I don’t have that reminder in UT as well. It’ll be nice to start with a completely blank slate. New friends, new job, new place, new situation etc.

So here i sit, i guess i’m supposed to spill my guts haha ok, now for the entry:

Today my “older brother” and very good friend Jason told me that he wanted to hang out with John on the 12th. we had been planning a get together for Jason and DanBenn and 2 of John’s friends for a few months now. However due to a recent breakup, things changed. But Jason still wants to go hang out with John and Dean/Pat. That really hurt my feelings that he wanted to go do that. I mean, John and I have been broken up less than two weeks and he wants to go hang out with him.

What a friend. Where’s the loyalty here? Like, I think in a few months I won’t care if they hang out but right now the emotion is to new and raw. i can’t handle the thought of one of my best guy friends hanging out with my ex boyfriend (of 3 years!) only a few weeks since the breakup. I explained how much it hurt me to have him go do that I think he somewhat understands so he said he’d just go hang out with DanBenn and not see John. It still bugs me though that he even thought about it - i mean really.

And while I’m ranting about this, let me go into how I’m feeling about John these days. I was doing really good today. I resisted checking his blog/away message almost the whole day. I caved at the very end of the day to read his blog, but I only did it once. Yay for me. Then as all this shit is going down with jason, he’s talking to john on AIM at the same time and messages me part of their conversation where jason tells him that he can’t go to the party and john says it’s cool and he figured as much. WTF does that mean? First, I’m more than a little peeved that Jason is talking to him when I’m trying really hard not to and basically flaunting it at me (even though I know he didn’t mean it like that), but secondly, WTF does John mean by saying “i figured as much” Am I that freakin’ predictable? seriously? How dare he claim to know how I react to this situation. I’ve never been in a situation like this before and how the hell does he presume to think that he knows how I’ll react?!

And on the same note, it totally seems like he’s just over this whole thing, like it was a bad dream that never happened. That pisses me off that i’m sitting here trying to deal with this huge range of emotions in my head and he’s just going on his merry way without even thinking about me! at least, that’s what it seems like and feels like. He probably is going through something, but it really bugs me that he is so calm and collected about this. We dated for 3 freakin years. We talked about marriage, about growing old together etc and he can just brush me off. I hate that he can turn me off out of his mind like that. I’m going crazy over here and he act’s like i’m some tv show that he can just switch on and off*

On a slightly related note, I was reading http://mizian.com.ne.kr/englishwiz/library/names/zodiac/leo.htm today, (since I can’t figure out how to make the link pretty, I’ll work on that another time) It’s about the Leo woman. Some things were accurate, some weren’t but this paragraph really struck me: ” In the area of faithfulness, the Leo woman may remind you of the old toast, ‘Here’s to me and here’s to you, and here’s to love and laughter - I’ll be true as long as you and not a single minute after’ Enough said.” And it rings pretty true for me I suppose.

2 more days left of work! YEAH!

* ok so probably not really, but that’s what it feels like he’s doing/done to me